Friday, June 23, 2006


^^ That's pretty much what happened the past six months since my last blog entry. hehe. Time flew by so fast.

Wish I could say there was a lot accomplished during that time, but it was probably one of the least productive periods of my life. I had set a lot of personal goals at the start of the year, but nothing really got seriously accomplished.

This was the period in my life when I probably had the least discipline. Was showing up late for work; was staying up until the wee hours of the night just watching TV; I stopped watching what I was eating; I stopped exercising. You could say that I just coasted along.

So, whoosh goes the past six months, and I have no satisfying little check marks to tick off on my To Do list.


I even went through a period when I was wondering what the heck I was doing still in the same job. You might say I got a bit jolted by the realization that I will hit my 10th anniversary with the company later this year.

Something about anniversaries seem to force people into taking stock of their current situation, whatever that situation may be. It's like a wake-up call in the sense that you emerge from the submarine that's your day-to-day routine, and you finally decide to put the periscope up and take stock of what's going on in the world.

I guess this is what they mean when they talk about the 7-year-itch or the 12-year-ditch (or whatever other cute cliches there are) in relationships.

All I could think of at that time was: Ten years. Wow. It just seemed so.... long.

Haha! I can laugh about it now, but back then I have to admit to feeling a bit panicked. It made me stop and wonder if this is what I still want to be doing.

More precisely, it made me ask: Am I still here because I want to be? Or am I still here because it's easier to just go with the flow?

And when that question got a little too hard to answer, I found myself asking: Does it even matter what the answer is?


I think in the past half-year, I just took things one day at a time and didn't really think too far ahead. I stopped making To Do lists. It shocked me when I finally realized that just a few short weeks ago.

Instead of being my usual proactive self, always anticipating the next thing that's coming up and keeping everyone else on their toes, I just... disengaged. That's the best word that I can come up with to describe how it felt.

I guess that's also why I just didn't feel like making any updates to this blog. I mean, why bother?


With the benefit of hindsight, I realize now that as my mom's treatments were coming to an end at the start of the year, I finally allowed myself to become depressed. In the early stages of her sickness, I just dealt with it my usual way -- by putting on the 'duty' hat and shutting off whatever emotions I may have.

As her treatment regimen came to an end, and it became apparent that she would be on the road to recovery, I allowed myself to finally feel again -- feel the stress, the worry, the fear, the feeling of helplessness, the doubts, and yes, even the anger.

There was no mental "click"; no conscious moment when all the feelings came flooding back in. It just sorta eased in slowly without any kind of awareness on my part. I just knew that I was losing interest in a lot of things, and the thought of sleeping in all day just became a lot more attractive than the idea of getting up and going out or meeting people or doing stuff.


I think this has been the longest time I've felt depressed about anything. Now that I finally recognize exactly what I'm dealing with, I feel more equipped to finally put this phase behind me.

Writing this blog entry is just one more way of putting an end to this.